-Just S O M E of the last letter- Letter Eleven

Letter # 11

Dear Aireos,

Ginny, my cousin, asked me an interesting question awhile back - when was I going to stop writing the "Un-mailed Letters to Aireos Arenot"? I didn't have an answer when she asked me that question but now I do - "when I'm well enough to go on with the rest of my life and stop thinking about the most wonderful woman in the world." I'm sure once I turn that corner, I'll be happy and won't have a need any long to write and talk to an imaginary friend.

Aireos, I think I've arrived. Either happily or sadly, I've not sure, but I have arrived.

But before I quit this project and say good-bye forever to an old friend, let me take a moment and reflect on some of the things I've said over the past months and years. Unfortunately, I have done so much rambling. I'm not sure the message didn't get lost in the mush, so let's see if I can't do some summarizing, bring this thing full circle, thank you for your time and attention and say good-bye.

So in summary let me start off by reminding you that someone much wiser than I am offered this pearl of wisdom: relationships don't end they change - Ain't that the truth.

Grief Management - Every one of the books I've read so far on divorce will somewhere make reference to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book On Death And Dying and draw parallels of death and dieing to the anguish of divorce. They note that divorce, on the Richter Scale of emotional trauma, is second only to the death of a spouse or close love one, and that a person getting a divorce goes through the same psychological stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.

I made the mistake of thinking it is a straight line through these psychological stages - from point A through point B to get to point C. Sorry. It's "not" like connecting the dots and moving on with the rest of your life. It's more like connecting this dot to that dot and then to this dot and to that dot then back to this dot and back over to that dot. Okay, I'll stop with the dots but you get the point. You wind up with a napkin that looks like a terrorist's diagram of the LA freeway system. Sorry, there is no direct route through these psychological stages of grief.

There is a sixth psychological state that I went through and that could be added to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book On Death And Dying. I called it "hovering".

At the time I was hovering (way, way, way back then) I honestly felt like the cartoon charter of a Second World soldier sitting in a foxhole where a mortar round just landed and exploded. He's the only one left alive. His eyes are big white saucers staring out at the reader as small ribbons of smoke waff up from his uniform and smoldering helmet.

I was just as shell-shocked standing in that black hole called divorce as that poor fellow was standing in his foxhole back in WW Two. Oh well, that was then and this is now. I'm better now at least my helmet is not smoldering any longer.

Now I live in Arkansas with an extended family, with and extended church and an extended town. That was my solution to loneliness, shell shock and the black hole called divorce.

If you are stuck where you live and you can't move to Arkansas, my suggestion - somewhere early on - was to immerse yourself in some kind of extracurricular activities - take something you are interested in like bowling or stamp collecting or hang-gliding and find a club for it. Join it and "immerse" yourself. Volunteer for everything. Come early to help them set up for a monthly meeting. Stay late to help them clean up and put away chairs and tables. If they need flyers printed, volunteer. If they need them addressed and stamped or passed out by hand, volunteer.

By keeping busy and immersing yourself, your problems (the loneliness, shell shock and the black hole) take a back seat and you are forced to focus on the here and now. While you are focus on the here and now and busily volunteering, buy some self-help books from Amazon.com and immerse yourself in them too. And to keep yourself even more-busy or busier, join a self-help circle. Remember; however, as you sit looking around, all there in the circle are "Soul Mates Left Behind" just as you are. They all loved desperately the one who walked out the door and left us behind.

Our classroom facilitator explained to us, "this was not a course where she'll pass out 'life's answers'. There are no answers. There is just the healing". She was quick to remind us that divorce is a process and not an event. It's a process someone else started. It's a process you are going to have to live with and work through, a day at a time or a week at a time or a month at a time - until you are finally over it.

"You know it would have been easier if my spouse had died," if I can hearken back and quote something, one of the ladies in the circle professed. And it would be easier. You could moan, cry, wail and grieve. You could wear black for a while, be sad for a while and then you could get on with the rest of your life. But you see that would be an event and divorce is a process and not an event. Right?

Mr. Smith, the workbook's author, quotes a minister friend saying, "What matters is not so much what happens to you but rather how you choose to respond." In your divorce are you going to choose to be a floater, a fighter or a navigator?

My own pastor says that you are "the sum of your decisions". The workbook's author reminds us that "emotional scars" are healed injuries not vulnerable to being reopened and "emotional wounds" are something if you pick at won't heal. It's your decision to pick or not to pick - you're the sum.

Mr. Alan Wolfelt in his "inventory for recovery" feels people should be able to do the following if they are really "recovering" from their divorce: 1) demonstrate a renewed sense of energy and personal well-being, 2) The capacity to enjoy life experiences that should be enjoyable, 3) The capacity to become comfortable with the way things ARE rather than attempting to make things as they WERE.

Aireos, I must be getting better after two years because I score high on all three.

After Mr. Alan Wolfelt work I talked about some of the circle ladies in Letter Five. That's where I introduced Controlled-Cathy who turned into Crazy-Cathy the kamikaze pilot - some kind of Mike Tyson-ish wacko, stopping short of biting off her X-husband's girlfriend's ear.

This sweet pleasant mild mannered school teacher/deaconess is an excellent example of "letting your spouse define who you are" - a theme I can't overwork, a theme I can't caution strongly enough against, a theme with a lose/lose double payout.

If any divorced or soon to be divorced person is reading this, I hope they can remember who they are and not become (even for a moment) something they are not. If possible, I hope they can take a page from Controlled-Cathy's "NOT" to-do list and rise above the natural urge to sink below their normally high moral self and never let their spouse or their situation define who they are.

The authors Gigy and Kelly gave a list of 28 reasons why people got divorced. Frankly any reason is a good reason if the one who leaves no longer loves the Soul Mate Left Behind. You don't need Gigy and Kelly to tell you you're last week's TV Guide or last Friday's doughnuts. The back of your spouse's head, as they walk out the door, communicates that sad fact unequivocally enough.

I put forth the idea, the notion that every "successful" marriage needs a "pusher" and a "pushee". In my opinion, somebody has to be the captain, take the wheel and decide to turn left or right. Now that doesn't mean that the copilot has no say. In a "successful" marriage the copilot/navigator helps with the decisions and advises on the directions.

In my marriage the copilot/navigator graduated from night school with her own wings and decided to take her ship off into the sunset and over the horizon. I guess the savant is correct: relationships don't end they change.

Mr. Smith in his workbook points out that a recovering divorced person has three needs: 1) To express to someone what happen, 2) To endure the emotional roller coaster ride, and 3) To put the whole thing behind you - make it a memory.

The need to verbalize your hurt and anger is overwhelming. That's why I found writing these letters so, so beneficial. The self-help circle was a blessing. And the soft shoulder and kind ear of Ginny and my other relatives were a gift of good fortune needed at a time of great desperation.

I bragged on and still brag on about the power of the self-help group I took part in. As a recent victim, you have an unquenchable desire to talk about the pain and anger you feel inside. And everyone in the group knows how excruciating the pain is and how deep the anger goes. No one ever said, "What do you mean?" Everyone there knows "What you 'mean'". We were all Soul Mates Left Behind. We were all bleeding from a hole in our heart and trying to get past the hurt. Like one lady said, "I'm praying to God and rowing for the shore."

Alcohol, drugs, spending sprees and promiscuity can be anesthetics to relieve the pain of a broken heart. But they are short-term solutions for handling a truckload of grief. The workbook points out - it is better to be clean and sober as you endure the emotional roller coaster ride of divorce.

To effectively recover from a divorce, Mr. Smith said it and I'll say it again - put the whole thing behind you. No matter how painful or difficult that may be - it's mandatory. I'm now two years down the road. It's much easier and getting even more easier to talk about my divorce as something that happened to me like getting hit by lightening and living to talk about it. It's like falling off the roof of the church house, laying flat of your back, wide eyed telling the rescuers, "Hey, I'm okay. Really, I'm okay. Thanks for your help but really I'm okay," as you continue lying there, not moving.

I know. I know. "Divorce is a process and not a event". But the farther you get through the "process" the more of an "event" it become, as you look back on it.

A divorce really does give you a profound feeling of freedom. It is scary at first but slowly starts feeling better and better, until you want to jump up like James Brown and shout: "I feel good, like I knew that I would".

The end-goal of the grieving process is supposed to be the ability to "remember without pain". Good luck. Like I said earlier, Aireos, I'm an "eliminator". When my mother and older brother abused me with mindless manipulation and cruel teasing. I swore when I hit seventeen I would join the Navy, leave town and they would never have another shot at me again. And I did and they haven't, ever again. I disappeared out of their lives and they disappeared out of my - forever. For me my mother and brother died. I never talked about them at anytime or with anybody. Now, I look forward to the day when I can say the same about my X wife. Once I have her washed out of every fiber of my being and once I can say her name without crying inside, only then can I say I've successfully "relinquish all attachments" to her and to our marriage. I've disappeared out of her life and she will disappear out of mine, forever.

I'm sorry. Being friends with someone, who hurt me so profoundly, as my wife hurt me, is not an option. In fact being friends is out of the question. She'll "die" just like my mother and brother died. And I will never talk about her again at anytime or with anybody.

Going back to his book "Death and Grief", Mr. Wolfelt identifies other and frankly not much better "grief behavior" patterns than mine.

He identified and explained these four-grief-behaviors: Displacers, Postponers, Somaticizers and Replacers.

Being too busy with kids (Displacers) or putting off grieving (Postponers) or developing ulcers and migraine headaches (Somaticizers) are all better grief behavior patterns than running off and getting married (Replacers) to the first person who pays for your Big Mac and coke or buys you a day pass at Disney Land.

Mr. Smith's workbook pointed out these four aspects that can complicate your divorce and possibly sabotage your recovery from it: ATTITUDE, WORDS, ACTIONS/CHOICES, and FEELINGS.

The "Poor me" or "I'll get even" ATTITUDES are detrimental to recovery. WORDS that cut and hurt are detrimental. Being a provocateur or how you choice to respond to provocation, ACTIONS/CHOICES, can effectively help or hinder your recovery. And FEELINGS can help or hinder your recovery. Are you trying to heal your wounds or are you giving them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to keep them alive and "hurting"?

Mr. Smith refers to the following in his book as "counterfeit relationships". Beverly Raphael, in her book, thinks of them as "discount relationships" something less than "full value". She thinks of these four kinds of "new relationships" as "threats" to your wholesome recovery: Fantasy Relationships, Replacement Relationships, Self-destructive Relationships, and Avoidant Relationships.

She points out, if you are in a race with your X to see who gets remarried first, a Fantasy Relationship may allow you to overlook those obvious warning signs, like he's a "bum and a loser".

If instead of getting over and healing from your first marriage and instead of thinking about what went wrong with the first marriage or what to do to make the next one better, you just run off and replace one Barbie Doll with another Barbie Doll. This Replacement Relationship can be a "threat" to your wholesome recovery.

Mr. Smith points out that some people volunteer to be victims by saying or thinking, "Oh, I don't deserve the best". So by "settling for something less" this Self-destructive Relationship heads them down the road towards another inevitable divorce.

Avoidant Relationships are effected by divorcees who make a commitment to themselves - to avoid making a commitment. As soon as their new "squeeze" starts using the C word (commitment), they are gone.

Mike Murdock offered a list to help evaluate if your current relationship is a healthy one. To see the whole list you'll have to get Mr. Smith's workbook "A Time For Healing - Coming to Terms with Your Divorce" (or visit www.mikemurdock.com) but here are a few that grabbed me.

Does your "new squeeze" release your energy or mute your energy? Man, if she is a muter, do not pass goal, but fast-forward to a new and more energy-releasing squeeze. Please. Trust me on this one. I have been there, done that, got a tattoo and a T-shirt to cover it up with.

How about this one: "Does the conversation that excites you produce joy in her?" Okay. Okay. It's a small thing but man if you guys got nothing more in common than "great sex", you're going to have to find something else of equal interesting to do or talk about for the other 23 hours in the day.

How about this one: "Does she appreciate your friends?" If she thinks they are all bums and losers, you may want to reevaluate your pool of friends. If she's right, you may want to try swimming in a different pool. If you think she is wrong about the bums and losers thing, you may want to continue swimming in the same pool but go find yourself a different lifeguard.

How about this one: "Is her interest in 'growth' compatible with yours?" If not, ...

(... much, much more ...)